i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
