so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
