I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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