I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
