The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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