we have officially mastered the walk of shame
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
