You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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