Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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