i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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