I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
