so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
