You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
