I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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