you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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