meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
