My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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