this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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