I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
