I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize