so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
