If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
