No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
