Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
