The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
