He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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