so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
