Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
