I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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