I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
