If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
