Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
