he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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