he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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