I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
