ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The best revenge is premature balding
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
