I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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