Im at strip club and am horny
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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