You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Drake has all the answers
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
