Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
