I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
