about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
