On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
