The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
