I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
