I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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