I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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