am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
