i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
