peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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