I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
babies were throwing up all over the place
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
