i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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