I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
