I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize
