My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
