Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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