1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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