please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
