my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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